


Isolation Of Love / Many Hated Him

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: Angst, Bigotry & Prejudice, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Sacrifice, Sappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-04
Updated: 2006-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:53:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Isolation Of Love: Hephaistion on his love to Alexander and what he gave up to keep it.Many Hated Him: Alexander on his own and others view on Hephaistion. Comparison piece to "Isolation Of Love"[Printed in the 2006 Alexander zine "You Strike Me Still"]
Relationships: Alexandros III of Macedon | Alexander the Great/Hephaistion of Macedon
Kudos: 45





	1. Isolation Of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hephaistion on his love to Alexander and what he gave up to keep it.

When first we met I knew I would love him. Yet I did not know what price my love would demand of me.

We started out as carefree as boys can be. We became friends who shared everything. Some of the other boys might tease us equally for our closeness but it was warm and friendly and we would all laugh, mock fighting each other, never there to cause pain.

Times changed and we grew into young men. Our friendship deepened and we became lovers. Alexander’s mother started out attacking me with words at every turn and he defended me. Never was I prouder, safer in his love, than at those times. He simply looked at her and told her that he knew my love was unquestionable and this was a matter on which he would hear no debate. She must have seen he was serious for she never badmouthed me again; to Alexander, the court or myself. In fact when speaking she would mention that everyone else **but** me was a threat to him. As paranoid as the Queen can be she really does love Alexander and for this reason I have never been able to resent her.

Our love was still easy then. We lived at the palace and practiced our skills as young men should. Our love now had the Queen’s, although reluctant, protection, and while our friends might tease us a bit it was light and friendly. They were more cautious with their teasing now, aware that the future King was growing up and becoming a young man people would listen to or would have to listen to even if they didn’t want to.

As we as boys had spent all our days together, now we also shared our nights. Our love was pure and simple. There were no real obstacles before us and we shared vows of love and dreams of the future. It was easy to promise Alexander my everything for our talks were still simply dreams. I needn’t consider how to fulfil my vows of always being his, always standing by him because as it was I was already by his side constantly. 

Then came King Philip’s wedding and Alexander’s banishment. I was sure his father would take him back when his anger had cooled but the move saddened Alexander deeply. We all went with him of course. Pltolemy, Cassander and everyone else who had grown up with him and would later become his generals. We all stood by Alexander’s passionate outburst, going with him as he went.

The year of banishment was spent in one of the palaces belonging to Queen Olympia’s family and it was more a party than anything else. Alexander got over his pain and we shared our days and nights as we always had, awaiting the King to fetch his son back. In many ways Alexander was happier in his banishment than he had ever been. Every one of his friends had stood up for him and come to him. He felt strong and loved and the latter was always very important to Alexander.

When King Philip brought Alexander back we all went with him and life seemed to have a perfect future. Alexander would take his place at his father’s side and I would stay at Alexander’s. Then when the King died, many years after, Alexander would be king and I would remain at his side, our friends being raised to become generals. In this dreamscape everyone liked that idea and our circle of friendship remained unbroken. That I in the dream would be special none minded because it was just that; a dream, and until now my special place in Alexander’s heart had had no impact on them for he had yet no real influence.

Everything changed with the King’s murder. Alexander was grief-stricken, having always wished for his father’s approval. I crowned him king, knowing he could not appear weak, even in his grief.

Everything changed then. We had both known that when he became king our relationship would have to change but we had never been prepared for the change to come so suddenly. It was no longer possible for Alexander to spend all his time with me and I understood. The loss of his constant presence was a cold and painful loss but I knew why it had to be so.

At first everything went well and we found a new kind of balance. Our friends stood by Alexander and we won Persia. The chain of command had not yet been reinforced as we had gone to war almost as soon as Alexander had been declared king. Now, though, things begun to change. Looking back I see that it was already after the battle for Babylon that the first conflicts arose. The generals did not share Alexander’s dream and were reluctant to continue the conquest but the promise of gold and glory got them to agree to go.

It was also here Alexander met Bagoas. I had never shared Alexander with anyone before and the thought of doing so now was painful. Still, he was my Alexander; I could deny him nothing. If he found pleasure with the eunuch then I would bite my tongue. However, it was now that our friends became Alexander’s friends only. Very few of the generals looked kindly at me now; only Pltolemy seemed somewhat inclined to do so at times. The others envied my special bond with Alexander, the higher rank he had given me, and would use any opportunity to see me wounded.

It is strange how small things and gestures can hurt so much. It became clear to me I could not trust any of them and had to keep my own council. I could not trust them to deliver my messages properly nor to give me messages in a timely manner. Luckily my army remained faithful to me and they took over these duties and I asked Alexander to send one of my men with his orders for I trusted no one else. At parties I would never get drunk though everyone else would. I had never liked losing control like that and now I felt I couldn’t allow myself to do so. My control over my passions was often a manner of irritation to the generals who did not possess much in the manner of self control yet I had never commented on this and never would. I heard the whispers of the court about me; how they saw me as little else than Alexander’s whore. I held my head proud, pretending not to know what they were whispering about yet at night, when Alexander were with Bagoas, the bed would feel colder than usual and my life empty.

Our love had been simple once. Now it became more complicated. I never stopped loving Alexander and I know he loved me but he was always a man of strong passions. He had a lot of love to give.

Alexander’s marriage to Roxanne brought more wood to the fire yet I don’t think Alexander ever saw this. She was not a Macedonian and this fact didn’t please the men. The war campaign had already gone further than they had wished and this was the last straw. Alexander lost many an ally by doing this yet I do not think he realized it.

Alexander’s marriage weakened my own position at court. How could I still be special when I was just one among many they would ask and I often feared the same. Still, when I looked into Alexander’s eyes my doubts melted away. I loved him. I would always love him. If these other lovers brought him joy then I would grant him that.

I hid my pain as best I could, from my love and from the eyes of the court. The generals couldn’t resist letting evil words about when Alexander was bedding another person slip in my presence of course and I began to seek my own company more often than not. Alexander’s wedding had also managed to shake his generals’ faith and love in him to the point of a growing resentment that was barely kept in check. I was Alexander’s eyes and ears among them and they hated me for it. I was ranked higher than them and Alexander would listen to me above them and they hated me for that as well. I would not be their puppet and carry their words to my lover; I would not discourage Alexander’s passions and dreams and they resented me my loyalty. At Alexander’s wedding I took a beating from Cleitus and some of his friends after I had handed Alexander the ring I had found for him when finally Cleitus was unable to hide his frustrations any longer. They were too many to fight off and while Alexander spent the next days in bliss with his new wife I lay in bed, fighting to regain my strength. I never told Alexander of what happened and when his honeymoon was over and he came to my bedchamber once more I had healed enough for him not to notice in the weak light. At least I pretend he never noticed and he never said anything, granting me my dignity. 

I knew Cleitus’ beating had not been for me. He himself had been Philip’s lover and had, while not supported my relationship with Alexander, never before been opposed it. However, his concern had always been for his men and he found Alexander had become irrational and while he could not take out his frustration on a man who was now the High King he could do so on me.

Alexander had said of me, “He too is Alexander.” When he had first said it I had been happy and flattered. All his love lay in those words. Yet they could also be used to hurt me and as the years passed by they were more often than not used for that. 

As the years passed and my isolation grew I knew I was now completely dependant on Alexander. He was my only love, my only concern. I had nothing else left. Everything I did was for him and for the moments we could share. I knew it was his love for me which, while it could endanger me, so far had protected me. No one dared to attempt to kill me, fearing Alexander’s rage.

The generals’ dissatisfaction with Alexander’s dreams came to its ultimate conclusion in India where he killed Cleitus. I tried to stop him. Cleitus was a good warrior and I could understand his concern. I had every faith in my Alexander, I would never **not** support him in everything he did, but Cleitus still had some valid points. His death at Alexander’s hands made my lover lose the rest of the generals’ support. From then on he was going on by their oath of loyalty and what was left from boyhood feelings of friendship.

Despite Alexander’s return from India nothing much really changed. Alexander’s dreams hadn’t died and he made many new plans. The generals might have grown to love Alexander again but his new dreams frightened them and they feared a new India.

There are so many things to prepare for Alexander to be able to reach these new goals of his and as always I am there to see that done. He is everything I have left. I have no one else to care for…all my time, all my dreams are his dreams; all my love is his.

Sometimes I cannot figure out where he starts and I begin. All I know is that my whole life has become centered on him.

This was not the way I had thought my love would end up. Love had been such a simple thing when we started out. There were just us. No lovers, no wives, no court, no nations and subjects. Just us and our love. It was simple then. Painless.

Now, love has become such sweet agony. I know I shall love him to the day I die and far beyond that yet from this, my strongest love, also sprung my strongest pain. Life has turned surreal in a way I cannot define. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a bubble. I wait for him, I fight for him, I work for him, I dream for him…He has literally become my everything. When I promised him that all those years ago, I never knew what I swore.

Yet despite it all I do not regret one day of my time with him. All my pain, blood, tears and sweat have been worth it. Just to see him smile, just to have him near.

He strikes me still. I guess he always will.


	2. Many Hated Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander on his own and others view on Hephaistion. Comparison piece to "Isolation Of Love"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Philon is Greek for beloved.

I was never indifferent to your pain; to your suffering.

My sweet Hephaistion. Always faithful, always there. My protector, my saviour, my soul.

I remember every day of our time together with a fond smile on my lips. You were the only one who never let me win. Who were always honest with me. You never demanded anything of me…Now, looking back, I think you should have.

You wore your pain as a cloth, your silent suffering making you fade quietly into the shadows. Yet I saw. I might not have seen everything but I saw more than I think you gave me credit for.

When I first met you I had never before met one such as you. Teachers and friends were all used to treating me delicately for I was the King’s son. They tried to say what they thought I wished to hear; the students let me win any fight, any bet. You were never like that. You treated me with honesty and genuine warmth.

You had a quiet grace about you from the start. Your passions were always kept in check; you never let your emotions rule over your head. Only on one matter did your heart rule but it also ruled supreme. Your love for me. I never doubted it and I never will. I saw it in your eyes, in your gestures….in everything you did and said.

Only you stood by me through the years. I never asked if you truly believed in my dream but no matter whether you did or not, you remained mine through it all. My companion, my general…my love.

You saw things I never did. I saw dreams of what should be; you saw reality and fought to make it into what it could be, what I wanted it to be.

Of the two of us you gave the most for our love and I think even in our most innocent boyhood we always knew it had to be so. I was King and though you ruled my heart you could not rule by my side as fully as I would have wished you to.

I gave you everything I could. My second in command, my confidante….I raised you so high I thought you never needed to see the ground. I thought I had secured you in my love. Yet some battles, some fights I could not spare you from. If you were to keep your hold on the army, on your pride, I had to let you fight alone.

It pained me to know this. To know you were suffering. I killed those I could to see you safe but you fought more than even I realized sometimes…you fought for me, because of me.

I recall that first night I came to you after my wedding. I always loved you most of all but my passions had always run high. Had you asked of me to kill her, get rid of her, I would have. You never did. I saw the scars on your body that night but I said nothing, simply tried to show you how much I loved you through words and touch. 

If I could I would have held us forever in those moments we spent together in Pella as young men. Always together; the weather seemed forever warm, the nights always clear. Love was simple. Life was simple.

I wanted so much. I reached so high but you were the one who enabled me to go where no one else had dared. You were forever my saviour, my shield and my love. You were the one who picked me up when I fell. You were the one who kept me sane. Your love was always the nectar I needed to survive.

It was your constant comfort, your smoothing presence, that enabled me to live my life the way I wanted to. Enabled me to chase dreams and fantasies. You kept the world at bay and let me play with the fates of empires and people.

I lived my life to the fullest. I got most of my dreams fulfilled. I had your true love, wives and lovers. I had a grand empire. Your love enabled me to reach all this. Safe and secure in the knowledge that you would always be there, would always catch me should I fall, I could go anywhere…I could fly free.

Yet what did you get? Looking back I fail to see how you could look at me with the same devotion you had when we were carefree youths as you did the day I lost you. Till the end you loved only me, till the end your concern was only ever for me.

How did I deserve such love? I cannot help but feel, now as I lay dying, that I did you wrong. You suffered so much for us. I am not ignorant to this but I was still the blind King. Your love meant I did not have to see and so I did not. It was easier that way. I could enjoy everything; I could have everything.

The day I lost you I realized that you **were** my everything. I never needed any empires. I never needed any other lover. You were all I ever needed.

I knew many hated you. I simply assumed none dared harm you. I assumed that keeping you physically safe was all that mattered. I was wrong. As I feel coldness reach for me I wonder how often you must have felt cold and alone.

As I lost you I lost myself. Why should I go on without you? You were all that mattered to me. I told you then as you died that I am nothing without you and those are among my truest words ever. You gave me life; you were my flame. There is nothing here for me without you. I tried to go on because I knew you would wish it of me but I could not. I did not feel any hate or resentment for my killers as I drank my poison. I smiled. I even felt grateful. They would send me home to you. I would be home with you. Home was always with you, in you, my Phai. Always.

Did I live ten thousand lifetimes in one on the cost that you had none? Was my love enough to warm you through eternity? My love for you was forever strong and forever true, yet was it enough?

I see the golden eagle of my Godly father come to me and I smile. I am coming back to you now, my Phaistion. I am coming home to you.

If ever I hurt you, ever did you wrong in any way let me make it up now. Let us rest together forever, like Achilles and Patroclus, we can be together again in the afterlife.

I see you…I see you now, my beloved. How beautiful you look. So brilliantly you smile. Have you been waiting long?

Wait no longer, philon.

I am coming home to you to stay…forever.

****

**_The End_ ** ****


End file.
